I'm a movie-buff. And I'll say it again. This article was not written by a hypocrite, whose knowledge of English movies is limited to Titanic and Top Gun. Currently on a 2 month Sabbatical, I watch upwards of 4 movies a day, every day. Being thus movie-irradiated, thanks to Star Movies and HBO, I've come to take for granted many (supposed) aspects of life in America (or Canada, Britain, Ireland or Australia as the case may be). As have probably the other million or so other Indian movie-goers. Below are some of those that I found surprising, awe-inspiring, disgusting or simply ridiculous.
- Private gun licenses (AWE)
I first saw this in the movie, “Jumanji”. Summoned by Robin Williams through the board game, the movie shows this cowboy cop walk into a store labeled “Gun Store” and, cool as a pigeon crapping on a limo, pick up a double barreled and wreak havoc in the store by way of target practice. The movie (and nearly every other one I’ve seen along the same vein) never shows store owners bothering with ID’s or other superficial inconveniences. The checklist to obtain a gun is designed to maximize customer satisfaction than ensuring honest, God-fearing families sleep well at night.
Furnish yourself with atleast one (1) of:
- Biceps atleast 5” around.
- Tattoos themed around biker babes, bad news animals, the devil or the Ghost Rider.
- A leather jacket, or even better, an entire biker outfit, complete with burgoise beard.
- Weapon permit (opt.)
While it seems however, that a 60 year old nun could be a member of the Mafia in America, in reality, all gun stores are required to check a customer for a valid permit (distribution of which is regulated legally, as I learned the hard way).
- Mother Nature hates America and America pwns Mother Nature (RIDICULOUS)
Everyone knows this. Every natural disaster from meteor crashes, freak-nuclear accidents (except for those few REAL ones), zombie attacks, mutated insect infestations, alien invasions and in totality, the imminent end of the Earth has to happen in America. It’s like American scientists are all simply too brilliant to warrant NOT killing them all off. The most catastrophic of dangers however are coasted in an action-packed hour-and-a-half, thanks to the butt-kicking firepower of the American Marine Corps, led by the battle-hardened though heartless Major Cigar Popper. They come up with bold and risky battle strategies to thwart the impending doom; plans they themselves pretty much suck at carrying out, but are helped out by the town “normal guy”, who does it for the ones he love, but ends up saving the world anyway. Oh, and someone always manages to provide some much-needed comic relief even in these hard times.
There are movies that revolve around the leads being entrusted to drop nuclear bombs on THE FRICKIN’ SUN, to adjust its revolution because it was drifting too close to the Earth and had to be taught a lesson. Fuckin’ BRILLIANT!
- The "family" life of an American (SURPRISE/AWE/DISGUST)
Many shy, demure Indian girls have watched, horrified, as the two star-crossed lovers declare their love to the world with a full sweep-over ending in a French-kiss (with tongue), in places so public, smoking there would be illegal. Indians have never really gotten used to the idea of public displays of affections, especially nothing involving the throat-rape that most movies have. More and more of us, however are warming up to the idea of a little outdoor smoochie, for whatever reason. Many Indian dudes are also given to daydreams involving one or more of those beach babes that movies portray as the pinnacle of bum-chika-pow-wow madness.
The American custom of every teenager finding his own partner is also frowned upon (atleast by the elders) in India. Also, half of us are only able to sleep at night with the belief that our parents would, in time, find us a girl, self-sustained efforts for which have invariably gotten the soup. The idea of possibly spending retirement age still in search of a soul mate does not rest easy with most Indians.
Also, Indian families with any level of home-stench on them are wary of divorces or relationship breakups. Home-grown Indians are sore amazed when movies show people getting together, breaking up or having divorces left, right and center, cycling through relationships faster than traffic lights on a busy intersection.
- Everybody hates Americans (RIDICULOUS)
This is mostly true of action movies like James Bond or one of the van Damme movies. The protagonist follows the elusive crime lord to remote islands in South East Asia (conveniently called Kirogi or some shit to avoid political complications) and it’s funny how the petty local gangs treat him like he’s bad news by default, the “American oppressor”. Everyone in a “Third World” country is wary of that well-dressed American tourist. Either that or the lead has already spent years with the locals and has to convince his “colored” friends that the new arrivals from the West are not bad people.
Any Indian knows that’s not true. No Indian can resist the temptation of excitedly pointing at a foreigner in the streets, and the more comfortable of us going “What is up, dog?” in that accent we’ve come to be known for, and the stunned foreigner going “What the hell’s the matter with this dude?”
- Sex sells (GO FIGURE)
There are only two kinds of Indian movies that make direct reference to sex: the (A) movies (that people don’t watch in theaters because it’s too public) and those award movies (that nobody watches, period). Indian movies use adult themes to portray some serious mysterious emotions and shit, too tawdry to be watchable.
English movies, on the other hand have perfected the art of using boobs in the place of a storyline to make a successful movie. People watch horror movies more because there are always cute babes in there than for their (non-existent) horror. Both Roadtrip and Eurotrip are perfect examples, with movies along the same vein coming out twice a year. For a pretty good summation, have a look at this article.
The funny thing about the Indian movie industry is how much they like to imitate Hollywood. Non-family material began showing up by the 2000's and no story movies have been around for a while. I refrain from giving examples for fear of hate mail or bomb threats. If you've got a comment or some other point you'd like to put, please post it in the comments below! Just remember, if you don't agree, you're wrong.
So until next time, Ciao
